No, You Crossed The Line.

Happy days back then. I could recount some of these memories with nostalgia. For example I could start with the trust I gave away for free, the free private information I gave out because I considered you my dear friend, my confidant and sidekick. Or perhaps I could jump right in and remind you of all the sacrifices and lines I crossed to please you or simply to make you smile. It was important to me that you remained happy no matter the cost. At some point I think you wanted the same for me but then looking back I was all alone in that or at least that is how I want to remember it. I write this because one day I believed in friends, in love, in simple acts of kindness, in the good will of nature and in human beings. Now you tell me what I should believe in.

Have you ever been so hurt that you can actually feel your heart breaking? Well I have. Some of you have not though, perhaps because they built a wall to protect themselves from getting hurt or maybe just cold hearted, aliens or zombies whichever, but I will give you an assurance that someday you will all experience the same kind of pain. You can consider me a friend because I will try to use words to describe it to you. It is the worst kind of pain you could ever feel. Unlike physical pain where some pain killers might do the trick, pain killers will not help you. So, you cry. Crying does not solve anything in fact if it does anything is remind you of what it is that is making you cry. Sad, Miserable and angry become you routine dailies. The kind of sadness that makes you feel like no one can relate to you. You are alone been eaten slowly inside bit by bit and you cannot just scream ‘STOP’. Nobody understands you but am here to tell you that I get you, been you and turned out okay. You will be okay.

See, it never seizes to amaze me how we humans can be so abhorrent to our own selves. Perhaps in a parallel world theft with violence could be justified by the fact that we need money to survive. On the other hand nothing justifies a heartbreak. Not in our spherical world, not in a parallel word, neither in this nor in the other life. All am saying is you cannot compare just a punch with a punch in the heart. A heartbreak lasts longer than your desire to get rid of it, longer than your will to get over and move on. It is a classified scar that only you understand how worse it looks. As if this is not enough it carries her brothers: self-regret and blame.

I never knew someone could be this sad.I didn’t know this kind of sadness existed. When you look for reasons to smile but you don’t get any. It’s a big knot in my heart and in my soul and also in my stomach. I just can’t seem to get rid of it. It ties me down. I can’t seem to smile or even have a feeling of joy… But they say some people create their own kind of sadness but wouldn’t I be somewhat crazy to do that kind of thing .Love??? I don’t believe in it anymore now It’s just an empty vacuum inside there. I hate them all for thinking they could hurt me and get away with it . Truth is that they will actually get away with it and I will live in this misery till I block it away like I always do. I never have and never will face my problems like people think I do.

To be honest I don’t love anybody but my family but Well there’s this guy called Charles.. Lord I know you put him on thus earth just to keep Mr from going insane… I could say he gets me but am not Sure if there’s anything to get..My problems are usually just heartbreaks and loosing friends but now Thanks to him..I know that those problems do happen but you gotta move on.

What am saying is that nobody doesn’t have that kind of friend. That one friend who won’t leave you No matter what. Anyways my point here is that sadness comes in so many levels. It’s up to you to know and realize how far you want it to get you but some sadness comes to you out if nowhere you seem happy but deep down you can’t help but feel a deep sadness that never goes away. Hahaha as for me It’s just recently I started being a mean ass but that doesn’t mean I have to stop showing my emotions. So many people know me as that heartless girl but my closest friends know what a soft ass I was. I would have literally done anything like anything for the people I love but not anymore I have this don’t care attitude that came abruptly. I been pushing people away – you know in real sense you push people away without knowing it- but as for me I know what am doing as push them away. Truth is I actually want everyone to go away but they keep coming back. I don’t talk to them rudely I just treat them how they treat me who knew they’d take offense. Well I can say am not the girl I used to be. You see what happened is that this person…. ……. ……………………………wait my badassness doesn’t allow me to get emotional anymore Hahaha so yeah I just changed That’s all you need to know. You screw me over hunnie some people will forgive you but let’s say am not some people .

When your sad they say that It’s just one of those rainy days people have but my friend’s sadness didn’t match any kind of sadness she ever felt. She seemed too much on the down low than any other day. I seen her sad and angry but today… today was different. She didn’t let me hold her hand or sing her the song were sang when we were sad. She locked herself in the bathroom for hours but she couldn’t cry like she used to. When she got out she just stood there In front of me. She was dull and her eyes were just plum red. That one split second I thought she was gonna beat me or something. But I remembered she was that person I grew up with but still i took one step backwards. She seemed like she was about to cry so I just stretched my arms and tried to hug her. She walked right across me and left me there. I couldn’t recognize her anymore. She was so different. I followed her and talked to her… “I don’t want anybody right now just go away ” she didn’t even look at me as she pushed away the only friend she had.

A broken heart. The piece of me you left behind.


Susan Njoki.

4 thoughts on “No, You Crossed The Line.

  1. We all have our dark sides. It’s takes just the right amount of force and conditions to take us over the edge….and much more to bring us back.


  2. Pingback: Moments 2014 | Dennis Peters

  3. Pingback: Broken Lights | Dennis Peters

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