What they tell me

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The doctor tells me that I cannot give birth. He says I was born that way and explains it in some complicated rocket science bullshit that I do not like to listen because I know what happened, I know better. Impotency is my curse in this world and I put it on every morning as I head to work like a good suit and every evening like a nightgown. I confess it to all my sexual partners like a testimony and put it on like a condom. Sadly, all these sexual partners never take things to the next stage, it always starts and ends with sex. This has happened twice now, I like a guy, he likes me back and I start to think of a relationship or perhaps even marriage but then these lovers of mine grow indifferent the moment I reveal my curse. They often still want sex but then only sex. Eventually, I get bored of being used and move on to solitude. Now I have no desire to humiliated again, I keep to myself most times listening to the sounds in my head.


I am not different than any of you in any way, I was born and brought up in the countryside by a loving mother and father. They both worked in a flower factory. Neighbours often used to tell me that how I had survived birth was a miracle because my mother had been sick in the chest. She could cough and the guy in front of her would turn back thinking that she had whistled. Her chest sounded like an empty tank full of bad gas chemicals. My mother had asked for leave the moment she had learnt of the pregnancy but her Hindu boss had convinced her to stay and she had readily agreed with the boss’s line of thought that she had to make extra so that she could provide for her baby the moment she was born. While my mom handled pesticides and chemicals to prevent small animals from destroying the boss’s flowers, my dad packed and unpacked these flowers and sometimes went to the fields.


My mom had died shortly after my birth and my dad followed closely after. Mom died of sickness and dad of his love for mom. I was left alone in this new wild world having achieved my first activity of killing both my parents. Auntie brought me up. We are not related in any way but she is good. I am not one of those people who imagine that had their parents being alive their lives would have been perfect so I love auntie even though she used to beat me up and make me do all the work. I love her despite the fact that she denied me the chance to attend high school. If it was not for auntie I would not be here, she gave me the best of life I knew. So I grew up and developed lady parts just like any other girl. At fourteen, I had my first period and cried a lot. I did not understand the blood, no one had warned me of blood keeping my pants wet all week. I was later to learn that it happened to all girls then I became excited about it.


Shortly after my first period, I decided I was woman enough and moved from auntie home to my own place. I got a job in a food chemical industry and handled chemicals but this time not like mom, No, this time, I put in protection, I put air masks and head covers. The boss liked me very much and often complimented my looks. I used to arrive at work early in the morning by 7.30am and leave work as late as 6.30pm. The extra time I spent with the boss in his office talking about various things. One day he even drove me home in his KAA Toyota. Life was good and I even moved to a bigger house with sofa sets and a TV. I bought auntie a dress and she loved it. I had my life in order for the first time and I loved the thrill. Boss took me out and we drank wine. Of course, it was not long before she got into my pants and I let him. He was my first.


This relation continued for a while, I even no longer had to work, my job was now to stay pretty for the boss. One morning however on my way to work I felt an uneasy tingly feeling on my stomach which was followed by throwing up in the office. I tried to clean up the mess really quick but the boss found me halfway and demanded to know what had happened. He seemed alarmed and the next day he brought me a device that looked like a thermometer and told me to pee on it and bring it back. When I was done I walked back to the office and brought it back. It had a plus sign. The boss seemed devastated and angry and he explained that we had to make sure that his wife did not find out. I had no idea he had a wife!


He took me to some weird town and told me that I needed time alone with the doctor so that I could get rid of the pregnancy. I instantly agreed because he knew better he had read a lot of books and it was also rumoured that he had flown with an aeroplane to weird countries to study. Therefore, he knew everything and I knew nothing, it was the way this world had moulded us.


After that what happened is still blurry. The boss left and his wife became in charge. She sent me back to the factories and did not even give me gloves or head masks. She is mean. I work more now but the pay is little. Recently I have been having these weird pains in my chest, what is even worse is that after a year in this factor I no longer have my periods, they stopped completely. So did my ability to have kids.


The doctor tells me that I cannot give birth. He says I was born that way and explains it in some complicated rocket science bullshit I do not like to listen because I know what happened. I have not told my doctor I once had a baby in my uterus and consequently expelled it like a bad demon. I have not told the doctor I work in a food chemical industry with neither protection gloves nor breathing masks. I keep that to myself because these are my transgressions. My doctor thinks he is smart but not even science can redeem me.


The preacher tells me that I can give birth if I believe. He says God does things for a reason and prays in some complicated tongues I do not like to hear because I know what happened. I have not told my preacher I once had a baby in my womb and consequently expelled it like an evil demon. I have not told the preacher I work in a food chemical industry with neither the Holy Ghost’s protection nor the holy water. I keep these to myself because not even baptism can cleanse the curse that this world gave me at birth. The preacher thinks that he knows God but I have known him from his mean side since I was born.


Auntie tells me that mom is responsible for my infertility. She says that mom passed these gases to my system. She thinks that the health hazard mom exposed herself to while carrying me in her belly are hereditary. I have not told her I had a baby in my uterus and consequently expelled it like a bad spirit. I have not told auntie I work in the same kind of factory as mom, with neither the ancestors of old nor the gods of the hills to protect me. I keep these things to myself because not even the wise medicine man can rekindle my dying spirit. Auntie thinks she understands this world but I have been born and brought up with by this world’s cruelty.


Meanwhile, I wake up early in the morning and head of to work. I have no social life and no kids, therefore, sometimes I wonder why I toil. I am dead yet I can still feel the hurt, disappointment and pain. I am dead yet I go to work every morning, do my laundry every Saturday and sleep all day on Sunday. It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting yet I do not dream. I will sneak to pesticide control and steal the most lethal pesticide they have in the factory. I will make a nice meal for too with expensive wine. I will eat twice and then I will spike my wine with pesticide. I will drain myself with the very chemicals that screwed my life and lie on my bed and smile while taking my last breath.



Dennis Peters

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