If I were a Girl


If I were a girl, I am sure I would be alone. I would not mind it. I would have friends, and perhaps a boyfriend or a husband, but I would still be alone. I would prefer to be lonely but with people around. That way, I would be like a linesman on a soccer match, observing everything that happens in my pitch, yet barely getting involved.


I would wear my sexiness like I would my makeup. Frequently, and designed to accentuate my beautiful components instead of hiding my flaws. I would put on my flaws like a dangling dazzling chain on my neck because I would understand that their presence made sure I was not like every other girl.


I would have sex. I would make it my duty to ensure that it was satisfying and gratifying sex. As much as I wanted because I would understand that loving the sex does not make me the slut. I would not be capable of casual sex, I would be a strong woman but not to the level of unemotional intercourse. Lit scented candles would make my knees weak and my clothes come off faster than I could say the word Kamasutra.


Of course, I would be responsible. I would never want kids because I would be afraid of letting them down which would be a likely possibility. If I ever did decide to have kids, it would be when I decided and after I had accomplished my fundamental life goals. I would see my life’s purpose as more of being alive and achieving things rather than creating offspring. This line of thought would be perhaps the major reason I would rather avoid kids altogether.


I would party. Often and in tiny tight dresses or shiny tiny shorts. This activity is perhaps the only which I would never do alone. I would dance on tables and sing the karaoke. My drink would be a single malt whisky because it would make my highness manageable and my fun almost responsible. Most of all, the reason I would stick to three or four whisky doubles would be that I would wake the next morning ready to face my vision board and remember my goals.


I would have girlfriends but I would never take them seriously. Sadly, the only reason I would keep them would be as entertainment and amusement. I would hang out with them in malls and coffee places but just enough that I would still have my time to read my books in silence. I would wait for them to leave and then I would take out my book or get lost in my thoughts alone. It seems I would be alone a lot of times.


My activities would be about being in the actual situation rather than seeming to be. Sure, I would take photos and selfies for my social media, but for me, it would be important that what is displayed is what is happening and not what should look like is happening. This would be a complicated concept that would require I high level of discipline and maturity.


I am not sure how my relationship with my boyfriend or husband would be like. I am sure we would argue about sex, however. He would want too much of it and I would find it too demanding. I would say things like, ‘but I just wanna cuddle tonight’ and feel his muscles grow tense and cold under my skin because he would get disappointed. He would have to get it into his head that sex is not happening unless I want it too. That would be like twice or thrice a week but it does not mean I will not find other ways to keep him interested and excited.


Our discussions would be mind games. A measure of intelligence and logic. Sometimes, I would fall short and want to tell him juicy gossip and I will be disappointed if he does not find other people’s private lives as mirthful as I would. He would bring up Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Hobbit and Batman Trilogy in conversations and I would reluctantly have to watch them. He would have to watch Mistresses, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Gossip Girl and Devious Maids, however. I would keep scores on such important things.


I would ensure I was attractive by ensuring a stable equilibrium emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My idea of attractiveness would be the ability to balance many areas of my life. How I look would definitely make you want to talk to me but what I say will ensure that you stayed a little longer, but only because you will not mind being engaged in a deep intelligent conversation.


I would aim to get all my work done and constantly work on my confidence and social skills because these will be skills I would need to acquire from the world.


I would be so soft and still in movement, a trait that will make cats love me. So still that birds would nibble by my feet comfortably and happily. I would name cats and share my food with animals because my happiness would be contagious to everyone and everything around me.


I would be very conscious of my artistic abilities. I would aim to practice whenever I can because I would understand that it is a gift to be able to demonstrate a way of life to the future generations. I would spend money on cute vases, paintings and flowers as they would be a source of joy in its very primal state. So, you will find me staring at sunsets, lakes and rivers because beauty and peace would always be correlated in my mind. I would purpose to make simple pleasures and cheap thrills my happiness in a dark and gloomy world.


And wherever I would be during Christmas, I would put up a Christmas tree, as big and decorated as my money would allow me. Holidays and birthdays will be a vital part of daily activities.


I would demand that my bed is well made every time, not for any particular reason. I would just love to see clean sheets and a bed without ripples.


I would make an investment of my mind by constantly adding knowledge to it. Reading would be like working out or getting into a diet for my body only this time, it would be for my mind. I would read romance novels and marvel at the perception of love by Danielle Steel and Sidney Sheldon. I would take an adventure into the history of my country and continent deep within the pages written by Ngugi Wa Thiong’o, Chinua Achebe and Grace Ogot. Biographies and Autobiographies like Dancing the Dream by Michael Jackson and The Last Days of Socrates by Plato would distract me from the world and I would sit there sipping from the greatness of men and women who dared to be different. And when I got bored I would read out loud a poem by Claude McKay, If We Must Die and William Blake’s, A Poison Tree. At this moment I would wish I had kids to recite to and explain these complicated poems.


My family would be important to me and a source of essential support. It will be easy for me to mess up and get back on my feet because I would trust them with my life as much as they would trust me with theirs. I would probably have an older sister and a younger one and probably a brother as well. I would dress like my older sister dresses and share my clothes and makeup with my small sister. I know it would be weird but I would prefer we shared a room the three of us even in adulthood.  I would pull my brother’s ears a lot.


My parents would have a cautious-comfortable perception of me. They would say that I am unpredictable and chancy but it will be because they will be comparing me to my older sister who will be stuck playing deputy mother. One moment they will be so sure I turned out fine, the next they will be worried I am the only one of their children who does not seem to have her shit figured out. I will make a permanent resident at that space because when they do not know me well, I can never be a disappointment. I would hate to be a disappointment to anyone that counted on me.


I would want to get married, as early as I can. Age would not be a factor to when I decided to get married. A small, intimate, beautiful garden wedding with a guest list of less than twenty-five people. I would probably have to hire the bride’s maids since I would consider no girl my friend. If it is okay with everyone, I will have a lot of bros at my wedding. My marriage will be about partnership and of course, a cuddle on a rainy night.


In my head, I would think of my parents when I think of marriage, how mother wakes ups one day and decides to farm chicken then a while later decides to get done with them and study theology instead but still on every discovery and adventure gets unconditional support from father. I would not marry someone who would not support me, my dreams and my goals. Hell, I would not even marry someone who does not pretend my food tastes nice while the truth is that my cooking skills would be garbage.


Above all, I would be to my loved ones what I would want them to be to me. I would set no conditions to love anyone, I would walk into any relationship without expectations. I would not demand things from people around me because by doing that, I will be preserving my peace, my sanity and my heart. People disappoint all the time but not when you did not expect them to offer you anything. Nonetheless, I would claim absolute respect and loyalty from everyone I let into my life. I would be a superwoman, not by anyone’s definition but my own.


I would do and be all these things if I were a girl but now I am just a boy. I probably do not understand.


Feature Image from the project Bloom by Mukiri Gitiri.



8 thoughts on “If I were a Girl

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